I am on a road trip to Austin which is taking 3 days. And it’s given me a lot of time to think. And I need someplace to let it out. And I know a lot of my followers not that I have many anyway don’t even read these. But it still helps me to write it out and post it.
Life isn’t fair. I’m 22 years old and I’ve been through to much. When I was 19 years old and almost done with first semester of my freshman year of college my Dad was diagnosed with a tumor that was growing in his sinuses. I remember packing up my room for winter break. I was the last left my roommates already left for break. And i get the phone call from my mom telling me what was wrong. I remember hearing the news and breaking down in tears. My friend/neighbor came over and helped calm me down enough so I could call my dad and hear the full story. He told me not to worry and that everything was okay. Christmas of that year was a little hard. Because we knew that the beginning of January my Dad was going in for surgery to take a piece of the tumor out to test it. When his first surgery came around and his tumor was sent out we discovered it was cancerous. This wasn’t fair. By this time I started my second semester of freshman year. And every time my mom or dad called my my heart dropped. My dad eventually had to go in for another surgery to take the remainder of the tumor out. Causing him to loose his left eye. He endured two months of radiation to get rid of any remaining tumor. He was recovering fine for a bit. But the strain the surgery and losing his eye put on his day to day life my upbeat father started to get depressed. Which is normal for anyone who went through what he did. A few months after radiation ended the tumor grew back. And there was nothing else they could do for him. I remember the day my mom told me. I was walking. Back from class with my roommate and best friend near the middle end of my first semester of sophomore year. And we saw my moms car in the parking lot. My mom told me to get in and my roommate went inside. But since my moms car didn’t take off my roommate waited inside the building. My mom looked off. Something wasn’t right. I told her to just tell me. She told me the tumor had returned. And I remember asking what was goo to happen next and she told me that there was nothing they could do for him and that they were going to make him as comfortable as possible. My heart broke. The pain I was feeling was immense. I told my mom I needed to go inside. And she asked if I was sure. I said I needed to be at school and not home. I got out of the car and walked toward my dorm. My roommate opened the building door for me and asked what was wrong. Not able to hold back anymore of my tears i started to cry and told her my dad was dying. My dad was dying. I never thought at the age of 20 I would be saying those words. My roommate hugged me and walked me to our room. As she started to cry with me. I sat on my bed and hugged my pillow. This hurt. I called my dad. And cried in the phone. This wasn’t fair. Now it was closer to thanksgiving and dad got progressively worse. He ended up in the hospital. I spent my thanksgiving at the hospital with him. Shortly after thanksgiving my dad was moved to a hospice type center. December 9th 2012 I sat in my dads room with my grandmother, aunt and cousins. I held my dad’s hand as he took his last breath. I cried so hard. This wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have had to watch my dad die at such a young age. It’s been a little over a year and a half since that day. And it still hurts really bad. There is so much I am not going to get the chance to do. I won’t be able to have my dad walk me down the isle when I get married. I won’t get a father/daughter dance. He won’t be able to see me graduate college. He won’t be able to hold his grandchildren. It isn’t fair. I love you Daddy. And I know you are watching over me and you continue to be proud of me and I will do all I can to keep you smiling down on me and I will continue to make you proud.